May 12th
One day Haley and I will write the whole story of the history of this date to us. Many of you know it, some of you do not. None of you know the complete story surrounding the amazing amount of supernatural events that have taken place centered around this date in the past 6 years. I hesitate to write on this date in its fullness as of yet because it seems as though it is still taking place. I feel we are somewhere in the middle… Many of us have stories of the glory of our past events and tragedies. We often dwell on the standout moments of our past, and though I do not feel that is always bad, it does become sad to me when often the entirety of an individual seems to be “back in the day” when they were in the Army or threw the TD pass in High School. Even those men who have won the congressional medal of honor, who obviously were valiant and brave at the time of the event in which they performed the act that led to acquiring such an honorable medal, still have a life to live today that is every bit, if not more valuable, than that moment of extreme bravery in their past. Are they valuable only because of their past or do they have a living testimony that is valuable in the present? I do not want to be someone only known for the accomplishments or mistakes of my past!
I also do not want to get fully sidetracked on this thought, but Haley and I are not simply a family who had a daughter commit suicide, we are a family who loved God greatly and imperfectly before this tragedy, and we are a family that loves God even more now, and still imperfectly after this tragedy. We are a family who has a living, and constantly changing testimony. We are family who has been blessed with many things and suffered in a few others. We are a family who is growing closer to God daily and has been given a gift from God named Samuel. (By the way, God named Him before we did. He gave us this name before we even had the ultrasound.)
We are a family who still faces new battles, and slowly but surely we are overcoming them. Day by day we are learning more along the way. We are a family who desires for others to love God and hope that in some way people can see Him in our lives. Some of you may not like the way we do it… Oh well, you are not in the battle with us, when you are, maybe you will understand. Some of you may be inspired by what we have done… Do not let your faith crumble when you see the many imperfections we have in this walk. It is not easy, but you too are welcome to come along in this journey with us. We hope you will!
Simply put, today is not just the day death through suicide entered our lives, it is also the day new life through Samuel arrived. This date holds the two greatest and most powerful peak emotions that I (we) have ever experienced, maybe three if you look at it from another angle.
When the news of Lexi’s death came, I felt defeated. It was my wife powerfully praying in tongues for the first time that filled me with the power I needed to do my job as husband. Without her making that stand who knows what would have happened. Four years later when she told me about the projected birthdate of Samuel I was blown away as well. When Samuel actually arrived on that projected date of May 12, I was not only as excited as any dad could possibly be, I was even more excited to see the result of Gods power being shown to the masses. The hundreds or even thousands of people who knew our story and then got to witness this miracle was every bit as exciting to me as the actual birth itself. Samuel turns two today and Lexi has been dead for 6 years. It often feels like Lexi should just come walking through the door to scoop up this little badger of a brother that she has. There is no way she could have been gone for 6 years! She would be 23 and 1/2 years old today, yet she is forever frozen as a 17 year old in my mind and somehow Samuel just keeps flying through the milestones and I wish we could slow them down. Just two years ago he was laying on my chest in the hospital and I was amazed at the handiwork of God in our lives as I felt this brand new life in my hands. Today, he is running all over breaking things and telling me stories about his love for tractors and bears. How could this be? What is next? Time will tell!
Your testimony is not solely defined by yesterday, though yesterday plays a big role. Your testimony is not defined by tomorrow, but tomorrow will always hold something new. Something difficult, something stressful, and something beautiful lies ahead. There will be the death of friends and family, there will be sickness and disease, there will be births and graduations, as well as many other unavoidable milestones. We (and I am speaking mostly to myself) must walk in to this with boldness, courage, love, and faith.
I have pictured the death of Samuel and Haley multiple times in the past two years, occasionally to the point at which I felt nearly crazy. I sought God for help. The answer He gave me was the right one, but not entirely the one I desired. I asked Him to just put me at ease and promise me that Haley and Samuel would not die in the ways that I have seen hundreds of times in my dreams and thoughts. He told me that He would not promise that they would not die, but that He would be with me through anything that I experienced just like I did when when Lexi died. What many do not know is the extreme peace and closeness that I felt from the Holy Spirit during the exact moment that she took her life. (This is another story) For three months following her death I have never felt as close to God as I did at that very moment. It was physical and spiritual! God said that this confidence and promise would have to be enough to suffice as my answer. It does because I know how much I love being close to Him. It is still hard because I fear pain and tragedy.
For this day, I thank God. He has shown me and my family mercy, grace, and love. On this day I remember the pain and the many many blessings He has bestowed upon us. That being said, I speak light and life in to this day and pray that it is not a memorial of death to those who struggle so greatly with it.
Rev 12:10-11 Then I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, "Now salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren, who accused them before our God day and night, has been cast down. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.
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