I Need a Vacation

 I am tired. I need rest. I need laughter. I need a break! I feel broken right now and as many times as I tell people that I can’t go on at this pace much longer I get no helpful response. They don’t know what to do and in reality can’t help me anyway. Ultimately, only I can help myself through seeking and trusting God even in the midst of this fatigue. What do I do? Will a simple vacation work? Do I go to Hawaii or Belize to get away for a few? Each time I have tried to take a vacation in the past few months I ended up ill. I am unable to find rest. I do not feel healthy or strong. I have no energy that is not enhanced by stimulants, and I get no sleep that is not brought on through sleep aids. Even after that, my sleep still sucks right now! I feel like my whole body is breaking down and I no longer have the natural energy to do anything about it. There is no such thing as down time ever… I don’t sleep well enough to find rest and though I have prayed a thousand times for rest, that prayer so far goes answered. God knows what He is doing, I trust Him. I have asked to laugh and though there is the occasional snicker, I can’t remember the last time I truly laughed at something. This is crazy because Samuel is a really fun and entertaining kid, he laughs all the time! I don’t. 

I am saddened by the direction this country seems to be turning. I see girls that were once Lexi’s friends being transformed in to evil humans by their universities and the culture that rubs off on them there. I truly care for these girls and feel they may never come out of this poison they have been taught. I am tired of local, national, international power struggles, and liars. I am tired of the victim mindset that seems so prevalent in such a large portion of our populous!!! One could say that even in my writing here there is some “poor me” victim BS coming out in what I am saying. That is not my intent. My intent is show my options; they are the same as yours! I die, or I live, I quit, or I persevere. We are all on the  spectrum between those places and for the most part we control how we will deal with it. I am not speaking of the fact that things often happen to us within our surroundings and are often very much out of our control, but even within those circumstances, we control the attitude, the faith, and the discipline that we bring in to it. I have one demon showing me images of death, sickness, sadness, and evil, while on the other shoulder the proverbial angel is telling me to fight and stand up with valiant faith. Do I have a breaking point? Oh yes… But I have surpassed many spots this year alone that I thought were going to break me and they haven’t, not yet anyway! I feel like I near a breaking point, and just in time God smooths things out enough to keep me going. Will I reach the “gone too far” point? Time will tell…  

I think a few of the more difficult aspects of this state I am in is not always knowing which thoughts are lies and which are truth? Is it weakness if I show my feelings here, or is it strength? Am I a lesser man when I do, or is this what real men are supposed to do and just have not been shown how? I can remain strong to the death, it’s just that I would prefer that death to be a rapid and violent death. This sadness and fatigue is not working for me right now!  Bring me a violent enemy and let me fight, but this silent polarized whisper from Hell sucks!

This message is not suicidal. This message is not a cry for help. This message is simply the fact that sometimes life is challenging and if it wasn’t you wouldn’t grow and get better at anything of value. Job was a man who did things right and was tested to the point of insanity in my mind. God saw his testing differently. This message will be followed by my favorite section scripture in the entire Bible, so read the new post when you are done!